Dubrovnik

Dubrovnik, you magnificent bastard! You slutty slut slut. I don't care how worn down you are, you are beautiful to me!

Cobbled streets polished by throngs of sweaty tourists, the slight aroma of cat piss, and a fresh set of terracotta roof tiles. Let's go GURL!

Mythologically speaking, this region was settled by Illyrius, a son of Cadmus, founder of Thebes and king of Tyre. The sons of Illyrius splintered off into separate factions, and the Dalmatae were born¹.

Apollodorus, Bibliotheca 3.5.4

The Dalmatae ended up getting a little too handsy with Roman vassal states, and Roman envoys came to see what was up.The envoys were refused an audience with the Dalmatae leader and then the Dalmatae proceeded to steal their horses. Rome was like, "Aw hell naw!" And in 156 BC, the first Dalmatian War began².

These dudes are at war for the next 165 years. In 9 AD, Rome took control of the region and gave it the name Dalmatia. Rome splintered in 286 AD, and the area of Croatia fell under the control of Western Rome. This was short-lived, and Western Rome fell victim to invasion after invasion, finally collapsing to the Ostrogoths in 476 AD. The lands of modern-day Croatia became Ostrogoth territory until 537 AD, when the Byzantine empire Justinian conquered the Dalmatian coast.

In the 7th century AD, the Croats were being pushed out of their territories to the northeast by the Avars (successors to the Huns) and ended up in Byzantine lands. The Roman townspeople fleeing the chaos took refuge on the rocky shores of Dalmatia's coast. They named their new home, which would eventually be known as Dubrovnik, Ragusa ( a corrupted form of the Greek word for “stone”).

Byzantine walls and a basilica dating from the 8th century show the brisk pace at which the settlement developed into a city.

Ragusa formed into a semi-independent state and, in the 9th century AD, came under a protracted Saracen siege³. Ragusa appealed to Constantinople for aid, and a force was sent to break the siege.

Legend has it that in 972 AD, a Venetian fleet intending to sack the city approached from the west. At that very moment, a mysterious old man with a gray beard and a staff appeared in the city. He warned the people of the impending attack and disappeared into the night. The people mounted a defense against the Venetians and repelled the attack.

This mysterious man is said to have been Saint Blaise⁴, patron saint of wool combers. The people of Dubrovnik celebrate him to this day, every February 3rd, and he is even featured on Dubrovnik's flag. In a bit of twisted irony, the patron saint of wool combers would eventually be flayed alive by wool combs before being beheaded. Yikes!

Also, the dude died in 316 AD between the ages of 30–40. So he would have been a good 600 years dead when the siege happened, and likely died before he ever had a gray beard. So why all the images I find of him are as an old man is beyond me.

Ragusa quickly became an important commercial outpost for the Adriatic, eventually coming under the sovereignty of Venice in the 13th century AD⁵. In 1296 AD, a fire destroyed much of the city and Venice provided funds for its reconstruction.

The layout can still be seen in the old town when observing the fourteen streets ascending parallel from St. Nicholas Street⁶. Fires occurred frequently until wooden residences were banned in favor of stone.

The Dalmatian coast came under frequent attacks by Hungarians, and Venice would eventually sign the Treaty of Zadar⁷ in 1358, which transferred Ragusa to the Hungarians.

-Motto of the Republic of Ragusa

It was then that the true form of Dubrovnik's walls⁸ started taking shape. The fear of Ottoman attacks along with possible hostilities with Venice meant the city needed to be heavily fortified. Up to 82 feet tall and 20 feet deep, this husky boi is THICC.

With three fortresses in its walls and two more detached, the Republic of Ragusa wasn't fucking around. If that wasn't enough, they built the Walls of Ston to protect their salt flats. These walls are over 7km or 4.4miles long, and are known as the European Great Wall of China (not "the Great Wall of Europe," for some reason).

Again, Ragusa mostly acted as an independent state, and they grew into a maritime empire that rivaled Venice. They traded with the West and paid tribute to the Ottomans, giving them a huge trade network.

Ragusa was rather progressive for their time, opening an almshouse for the poor, medical centers, a quarantine hospital, and a pharmacy, all in the 14th century. The pharmacy⁹ is still in operation to this day. So go get yourself some leeches and laxatives and have yourself a good ’ole time!

In the 15th century, Ragusa abolished slavery. And constructed a water system, the fountains of which are pushing more water out today than you will with those laxatives.

Things went downhill when, in 1667, an earthquake struck this city, nearly leveling it and causing the deaths of 5,000 residents. The well-built walls of the city, though, were unaffected.

Ragusa, fearing an invasion from Venice by land, sold the area known as Neum to the Ottomans. This little strip of land on the coast meant Venice could not reach Ragusa without crossing into Ottoman territory, which would trigger hostilities with the Ottomans. This is why one lil’ bit of Croatia isn’t attached to the rest.

The Republic of Ragusa went out with a whimper.

The Napoleonic war came knocking, literally. The French army arrived at Dubrovnik's gate. They said, "Pwease sir, let us in. We soo cold!" Ragusa responded, "Aww look at these cutie patooties, how could we refuse those adorable faces!" Ragusa let them in and the French were like, "Cool cool, this is ours now." So ended the 500-year-old Republic.

When the Austro-Hungarian empire came into control of the region, they tried to buy the land back that Ragusa had sold to the Ottomans, but they were refused. Then, when Yugoslavia was formed, the republics within were based on an earlier map, and Neum remained in Bosnia and Herzegovina.

Until recently, you had to pass through Bosnia and Herzegovina to reach Dubrovnik, though now Croatia has a bridge that can bypass the border-crossing discomfort.

Ragusa's name was officially changed to Dubrovnik under Yugoslavian rule, though the name had been used unofficially as early as the 14th century. Dubrovnik comes from the proto-Slavic for "Oak Grove"; another version recorded by Ottomans is "Dobro-Venedik," meaning "Good Venice."

In 1991, after the death of Tito, Yugoslavia fractured. A bunch of different Serbian factions were against the other Republics separating from Yugoslavia, and a war was fought.

The city of Dubrovnik came under shellfire, resulting in 417 casualties in the area. The city took significant damage, most of which has been repaired today.

You can tell which places were shelled when you walk the walls, as the brighter tiles are the spots that were repaired.

Let's get into what you should do while you are visiting. First, you will want to visit in the off season. Dubrovnik is super crowded during the summer. Unless you want to compete with the sweaty masses, come in any other season.

You need to walk the walls of the Old Town. It is not free, but it is worth it. This will gain you access to Tvrđava Minčeta, the wall’s tallest tower, which you can climb and get a great view of all those beautiful roof tiles.Go ahead and get the Dubrovnik Pass, It is the same price as the Walk the walls ticket and comes with way more.you will be able to see a bunch of the other History/Art Museums.

After walking the walls, you should grab a drink at Buža Bar. It is in a super cool spot on the outside of the walls on the western side facing the Adriatic, clinging precariously to the cliff rocks. It can be hard to find as the entrance is a small opening in the western wall, so either spot where the bar is when you walk the wall or Google it, dummy.

The beer there isn't the best, but the view and experience is great.

Go to the ruin of the Church of Saint Stephen and follow it up with the Church of St. Ignatius. Both are very close to Buža Bar. If you head down the stairs from the Church of St. Ignatius, you will end up on Stradum Street, the main street of the Old Town.

A lot of sites of particular note are in this area: the Sponza Palace, Rector's Palace, and a bell tower with some sweet mechanized bronze statues that strike the bell. You could go to the Cathedral of the Assumption of the Virgin Mary or Saint Blaise's Church, or slip down an alley to the Dominican Monastery, which has some art and relics on display.

Go get good craft beer at Glam Bar or hit Taj Mahal and fill that dirty little meat hole of yours. It sounds Indian, but it is not, it specializes in Balkan food and actually has some good vegan options as well. Def get the baklava, it is the densest baklava I have ever had and I honestly prefer it that way.

If you are vegan, Nishta is right by the Glam Bar and serves up a mishmash of vegan world food. Ćevapčići, a small skinless sausage, is a mainstay in Croatian food, and Nishta has a vegan version which is great for anyone wondering about local flavors. There is also VegeDub for some vegan fast food. You can order ahead to avoid a wait.

Check out Onofrio's Fountain, the 15th-century fountain built during Dubrovnik's Golden Age. Next to the fountain is St. Saviour Church, a 16th-century building that survived the 1667 earthquake.

You can exit the gate there and go down to Bokar Beach, a very pretty spot with great views of Fort Bokar and the cliff fortress Lovrijenac. Head from there to the West Harbor and up the stairs to the fortress Lovrijenac. You will find the best views of the Old Town here. A good alternative view would be to take the cable car to the top of Srd Hill for a bird's eye look at the Old Town.

If you have an extra day, you should check out Lokrum Island. It is essentially a beautiful garden island with a fort and monastery. Get a ferry from the Old Town port.

As everyone knows, Dubrovnik was a filming site for Game of Thrones. What you might not know was that Dubrovnik and the Dalmatian Coast were part of the setting of Hayao Miyazaki's Porco Rosso. Dubrovnik was the inspiration for the Hotel Adriano.

Dubrovnik overall was a wonderful experience. Visit any time other than summer and you will be in for leg-spasming loads of fun.

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